Affairs & Betrayal
Why Do Affairs Happen?
Quite often, affairs are symptomatic of longer term relational issues such as loss of connection, impacting everyday meaningful communication - an increase in loneliness, or somewhat pigeon holed into fixed roles within the confines of our fixed lives that become uneventful, too predictable, and unrewarding, whilst lacking emotional nourishment.
Personal circumstances play a huge part in betrayal, but so do the thought processes of the people involved.
Quite often the betrayed party will invite a 'negative self script' ~ typical internal dialogue often includes statements such as: "I'm getting old, too fat, too thin, boring, always tired, no drive, uninteresting, or I didn't 'do this, or that'."
According to long established research (provided by Tavistock, where I did my Couples training) identified the core reason usually lay with the offending party, not the betrayed person. This is not to disregard the obvious fact that two people contribute either positively or negatively to a relationship, and each would be wise to take ownership of their contribution in the unpicking of marital breakdown or relational betrayal.
Having spoken to hundreds of clients, there is always an underlying 'story' not of excuses (this cannot be excused) but usually of a history of childhood unmet needs, which lurks deep within as a sense of unfulfilled self-doubt, rejection, or lack of true self worth. This still does not excuse the betrayal - but it is less damaging to the injured party if they have an understanding of the 'why' as opposed to Why me?
Often I have heard people say "I cheated because I was so unhappy but didn't want to leave" and as wrong as the betrayal is, and the answer may infuriate the injured party beyond description, you actually need THE TRUTH if you want to understand what went wrong, and move on - with or without the relevant other.
Well - someone has to ask precisely these questions...
Typical Questions That Follow:
1. Why? How could you? How long?
2. How & where did you meet?
3. What do they look like (and more)
4. Do they know about Me? (the children)?
5. What's wrong with Me? (us)?
6. How many other lies have you told?
Typical Responses:
1. Absolute (knee jerk) fury & disbelief
2. Shock (at various levels)
3. Sense of destabilization (emotional turmoil)
4. Deep sense of injustice & incomprehensible loss of trust
5. Retaliation or punishment planning
6. Wanting every single detail to rebuild the New Story of you
7. Demanding transparency (emails, social media, phone history, texts)
8. Interrogation of intentions, plans, evidence seeking
9. Uncertainty (stay or go) (can we get passed this)
10. Find a therapist
Can We Get Passed This ?
Relationship counselling does not have to be based upon the decision to Stay Together, it can be very effective in helping you (both) decide if you WANT to work passed this, and to understand why it happened, and to acknowledge the pain caused to the innocent party.
Often, sessions are utilized to approach a respectful re-connection of the promises once made, or the acknowledgement that a time has come to part ways, and how to manage that with calmness and dignity.
Relationship is not 'the easy option' it's the sensible option.
Please Note: Couple Therapy sessions are better served in Face to Face locations.
This can be either the therapy room location OR an outdoor (private) location.